Be careful around The Coffee Table at Fantastic Fest!

If Todd Solondz met Gaspar Noé at a party neither one of them wanted to go to, “The Coffee Table” would be the film they’d conceive while smoking a joint on the back porch. Directed by Caye Casas from a script he co-wrote with Cristina Borobia, this entry into this year’s Fantastic Fest will certainly not be for everyone, but it will find you where you live.

Having a baby when you’re middle-aged is hard enough, but for Jesús (David Pareja) and Maria (Estefanía de Los Santos), buying the world’s ugliest coffee table just adds to the equation. Or rather, subtracts. Without spoiling anything, Jesús is involved in a tragic accident at the 20-minute mark, which fuels the remaining hour in ways you can’t imagine. No, the table isn’t haunted, but let’s just say an alternate title could easily have been “Well, Shit: The Movie.” Or “Buena Mierda,” as it’s a Spanish-language film.

Jesús just trying his best.

If that all sounds vague, just know that revealing what happens would make even the most adventurous moviegoers run away screaming (except Lars Von Trier who’s inside wondering where Todd and Gaspar wandered off to). Told mostly over the course of a few hours, the film avoids a heightened tone, aside from Ruth, the 13-year-old neighbor who has a demented crush on Jesús (who of course tries to tell her she’s nuts). It’s a funny development that doesn’t amount to much along the way despite promising to. Ruth’s a hoot, but after a while, we don’t have time for her insanity.

This is the main issue of “The Coffee Table.” While the shock value is a major sell, there’s not much of a plot beyond Pareja hiding a massive secret as best he can for the final hour. Casas and Borobia construct a mountain of dramatic irony as they twist the knife for Jesús every way you can imagine. He encounters a doormat that reads “Smile at Life.’ A character’s shirt says “No Bad Days,” during the worst day of his life. The entire time you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. This would make for a fantastic short film, but you can feel Casas and Borobia stretching some sections to reach a feature-length. It’s a difficult balancing act that should earn them respect for even attempting. Or revulsion, which would be an equal compliment.

“The Coffee Table” (translated from “La Mesita Del Comedor”) would be excruciating if it wasn’t so funny, but to many people it will only be the former. You really have to admire a film that goes this dark this fast. Expect this film to be talked about by whoever can see it.

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