“F Them Kids:” A review of “Ankle Biters” (2021)

When you buy the wrong juice boxes

What better way to kick off the holiday season than to watch the horror film version of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” While “Ankle Biters” isn’t a Christmas movie, it’s not hard to imagine an edited version on Lifetime.  It has a dynamite title and premise for a black comedy that it tries very hard to live up to.  Results vary significantly.

Originally called “Cherrypicker,” the aforementioned “Ankle Biters” are four little girls who find a video of their widowed mother having rough sex with her new boyfriend, Sean, a hockey player with a reputation for being a hot-tempered lunatic on the ice (you know, a hockey player). Based on the video and some bruises they find on Laura, they assume he’s abusing her. The role-play is consensual (and appreciated), but try explaining lite BDSM to little kids.  The girls immediately decide they have to kill Sean, the new boyfriend, to protect their mother.  Hilarity tries to ensue.

The kids pull hijinks that would give any parent pause, such as slipping Sean an apple with a hidden razor blade and sneaking spider eggs in his ear. 

Laura is as oblivious and horny as any first-act victim in an ‘80s slasher film, and Sean would be, too if he wasn’t on the receiving end. 

The movie has a wonderfully sick sense of humor, (bonus points for scoring the opening sequence of a film featuring kids to “Rock & Roll Part 2.”  Like, WOW.), but it can be a drag.  It looks cheap and there’s some distracting dubbing.  The funniest moment in the film comes early on when a grieving mother collects her son’s ashes in a hockey glove, but that moment of John Waters-level quirk recedes into the background pretty quickly.

It’s never too early to explain consent. Just saying.

“Ankle Biters” feels like the remake of a lesser-known “evil kid” film from the 70’s, which is to say it’s not great despite having the ingredients.  The actors are all game, and Colin Mochrie shows up as a detective suspicious of Sean, but none of them are very memorable. The four little girls are effective, but I remember more about the third-act gore than their characters’ names.  But at least they’re having fun.

“Ankle Biters” is now available on DVD and on demand.