We can't stop watching "Halloween 5" (But Boy, Do We Want To)
It’s always the cops. Every time.
The 2 bumbling, keystone cops showing up on their eye-rolling cue. Really, they have actual cue music that’s just clown-like sound effects. It’s at this moment during my annual “Halloween 5” watch when my regret crystalizes.
Gluttons for Punishment
Every October, we re-watch my favorite Halloween franchise films. It’s always the original classic. Sometimes it’s the 1981 sequel, “H20” or even part 3, but I always include the awful “Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers”.
Most fans say “Halloween 5” is one of the worst sequels in the franchise. I’d go one further and say it’s the worst horror sequel of all time (Let’s not count “Hellraiser” sequels after part 4, but that’s another article). Yes, “Halloween: Resurrection” is a bad movie, but it’s a MOVIE. It has a beginning, middle, and end. “Halloween 5” is a work left in progress: a lazy attempt at a narrative with irritating characters, plot holes, and a non-ending. It’s a Cannon film without the charm.
Still, unlike other bad horror sequels, I revisit it every year, hoping it’s not as bad as I remember. After all, it has a following along with merch from Fright Rags, Cavity Colors, and everyone else who makes horror goods. Somebody somewhere has to love this movie, which can seem mind-boggling. But who am I to talk? My gateway horror film was “Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.” I can’t even look at it objectively because it’s so ingrained in my mind.
Stop Making Sense
“Halloween 5” was rushed into production after the success of the previous installment. Despite passing on a serviceable draft from writer Shem Bitterman, longtime producer Moustapha Akkad brought in director Dominique Othenin-Gerard who started from scratch…or rather “screech,” because the final film irritates on every conceivable level.
Sure, it starts promisingly enough, with a visceral title sequence and a re-cap of the far-superior Halloween 4 (with which part 5 is typically paired for double features). Thought to be dead, Michael Myers has developed a psychic connection with his niece, Jamie. This isn’t a bad start, and even fans can even forgive a lame excuse to keep Michael around another year (how DOES a hermit live in a makeshift shed just outside a normal midwest town without anyone noticing? Is he the mayor’s cousin or something?). But then we meet Tina, one of the most grating teenagers in horror history, aside from, oh, EVERY other teenager in this movie. Much like plot contrivances, annoying characters are priced in to late-80’s horror. But not ALL of them. Rachel is the only likable teen in the film and she’s killed barely 20 minutes in. This brings me back to the aforementioned cops.
Unless they’re the lead, nobody expects cops in horror movies to be a match for the killer (especially since Haddonfield PD had to start from scratch after Halloween 4’s police station massacre) but these guys are from another movie. Just like the honking sound effects that accompany them. This is where I realize director Othenin-Gerard has a very specific idea of what this film should be, and it differs from anything watchable. One can imagine his only piece of direction was “Louder! Not shrill enough! Remember, you’re oblivious!”
B+ for Effort
Halfway through production on an unfinished script, a faceless “Man in Black” character was invented with the intention of…making things make sense? Leaving a seed of story to carry over in part 6? Nobody quite knows because they made it up on the fly. Say what you will about the interconnectivity of the MCU. At least the films tell complete stories and don’t make things up as they go along.
Yet, here I am letting it take up real estate in my brain. It’s not the only awful sequel out there. It’s not even the only awful sequel from 1989 (looking at you, “Jason Takes a Cruise”). The original Halloween is one of the best horror films of all time. While we accept subpar sequels to classics, part 5 lowers the bar to the planet’s core. This movie isn’t just the redheaded stepchild of the Halloween franchise. It’s not even invited to birthdays.
Life is short, so I should either watch something else or admit I enjoy it after all. Sure, Danielle Harris is great, Donald Pleasance is always game, and Donald Shanks did a good job as The Shape, despite the worst mask in the franchise. They can’t be faulted when they’re giving such an effort.
The Curse lives On
Daniel Farrands, the writer of part 6 (“Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers,” one of the biggest in-jokes in horror history) claims that when he saw this, he immediately know how to fill in the plot holes in the sequel he wound up writing, including the identity of the Man in Black. While part 6 was heavily re-cut and compromised, it at least has an iota of imagination. “Halloween 5” is just a terrible film, even for those of us who love admittedly-terrible films. I don’t need to remind myself, but I probably will next year. Again.
