RETRO REVIEW: INSEMINOID (1981)

*Congrats, it’s twins!* A scene from INSEMINOID (1981).

I’m not a baby person. Wait, let me clarify that statement. I don’t get babies. They are fascinating to be sure: these kind of amorphous blobs that cannot speak or fend for themselves, relying on nothing but a high-pitched cry that could bust one’s cochlear nerve without breaking a sweat in order to communicate. To be fair, that’s also me on a good day, but I digress. There’s this innate fear that happens with babies, at least with me. They are so plump, small, and soft, you feel as if you could break them with just a touch. Babies are vulnerability personified, and as such, the terror and worry to protect them is such a vehement instinct (at least it is to most).

That may be kind of a strange segue into a film about a crew of scientists that fall under siege from an alien life form that seeks to put their space gravy into a quite unwilling human lady, but here we are. Listen, I’m not here to explain the beautiful process of the creation of life. I’m not a mother. I’m here to talk about a movie filled with magic crystals, sawed off feet, and bloody puppet alien babies being born. I’m here to birth another cheesy horror review baby, and I couldn’t be happier, because INSEMINOID (aka HORRORPLANET), still delivers a wealth of fun and completely unhinged mayhem, forty-one years after its release.

A group of scientists get more than they bargained for on an expedition in INSEMINOID.

PLOT:

A group of scientists in the unknown future are excavating the ruins of an ancient civilization on a distant planet. However, when a monstrous alien creature attacks and inseminates one of the women in the team, Sandy (played by a fantastic Judy Geeson), chaos ensues as the now-infected victim, possessing unnatural strength, starts to murder her colleagues one by one in a desperate bid to protect her unborn twin alien offspring.

Judy Geeson as the bloodthirsty Sandy in INSEMINOID.

KILLS:

Like most of the films INSEMINOID copycats, up to and including, ALIEN, ALIEN 2: ON EARTH, CONTAMINATION, THE INTRUDER WITHIN, and GALAXY OF TERROR, the film begins with a crew of scientists studying on a far away planet. Naturally, when they go out on a survey, a mysterious explosion ends up injuring two of the crewmembers (Dean and Ricky), who are brought back into the station with injuries and strange sores on them (no one even bothers to breathe the word quarantine in this crew, but hey, after you’ve been through a pandemic you see a lot of things differently when you watch movies). Before the explosion, the crew was able to capture wall markings that adorned the cave, theorizing that the alien civilization was based on a concept of dualism and seemed to have been ruled by twins. They also find a bunch of crystals that look like some pre-sucked Warheads candy, and find that the crystals are surrounded by an energy field, believing the civilization was controlled by a form of chemical intelligence. Still with me? Good, because you should know the script for this thing was written in only four days, and by the sound of it, on a steady diet of Tab soda and Nicaraguan nose candy.

Once the infected crew members are back in gen pop (along with that crystal sample), that’s when the film starts to hit the ground running. Ricky busts out of sick bay, running out of the base and re-entering the caves where the explosion happened. One of the crew members, Gail (Rosalind Lloyd) tries to stop him, and he proceeds to throw her into a pile of twisted metal, damaging her space suit and trapping her foot. She is quickly running out of oxygen and no one can get out to her to free her foot, and in a scene more compelling than the whole 94-minute runtime of 127 HOURS, she takes off her helmet and amputates her foot with a chainsaw like a goddamn boss. Sadly, it’s too late and she freezes to death in the planet’s toxic atmosphere.

The kills come fast and loose from this point, with dismemberments, stabbings, and explosions galore, especially when crew member Sandy gets taken by the creature, chosen to be mother to human-alien hybrid twins that are only slightly less terrifying than those creepy-ass Shining twins.

*Don’t go picking up strange crystals.* A scene from INSEMINOID.

VISUALS/SFX:

Despite the obvious parallels, director Norman J. Warren said that the film wasn’t an attempt to copy ALIEN, saying that he and the writers hadn’t even seen the film when they started pre-production. Instead, the idea for INSEMINOID came about as a showcase for Nick Maley’s special effects expertise (incidentally, Fox Studios, who were responsible for ALIEN, later wrote the filmmakers asking to see the film, sending them a letter afterwards wishing them luck with it and that it was very good considering its budget). Way to neg, Fox.

The effects, though not nearly the caliber of ALIEN, are still pretty respectable for a low-budget, alien shlock fest, and according to the director, some of the more graphic shots of Sandy’s labor were removed so the film would not be rejected by the British Board of Film Censors. By the way, fuck those guys, because oh, what could have been for a birth scene that is already completely wild. The birth is horrific, despite the alien spawns coming out looking like a gurgling pair of MAC AND ME- looking mofos, but hey, I guess all babies look like an anthropomorphic hemorrhoid fresh out the uterus, amiright?

But you can’t talk about the birth scene and not talk about the insemination scene, which is a doozy. Don’t worry, these aliens don’t have dicks, or maybe they do, but they don’t deign to put them in human cooch. Which is fortunate for Sandy, because the alien that defiles her looks like a McDonald’s kids meal toy version of Brundle from THE FLY. Whatever the reason, they instead use a clear plastic tube filled with a steady flow of Shamrock Shakes and anal beads to put that baby batter in her (and yes, I was craving McDonald’s as I was writing this, if you must know). It’s a blatant excuse for female nudity, but despite that, this scene comes off decidedly more terrifying than titillating (unless your bag is clinical alien insemination, and if so, I’m not here to yuck your yum).

Geeson as Sandy, a woman who becomes an unwilling host to alien offspring in INSEMINOID.

PERFORMANCES:

Amazingly enough, Warren was able to procure a pretty solid cast, including a host of English actors like Stephanie Beacham (who I will always remember from one of the best films in human history, TROOP BEVERLY HILLS), Victoria Tennant, and even Robert Pugh in his first film role. Though the script is severely lacking, the performances of the cast are able to at least elevate the film from B-horror dud to a schlocky, bloody sci-fi horror film that’s actually fun and compelling to watch.

But, without a doubt, it is Judy Geeson as Sandy that absolutely owns this film. Warren later said that Geeson was a dream to work with, despite the conditions and limited production time, stating, "She was just so enthusiastic, involved in the whole production. I don't think she had more than two or three days off in the entire schedule and even on those days she insisted on turning up, simply because she didn't want to miss anything that was happening." That is the hallmark of a true professional and it shows in her performance. It may not carry the psychological gravitas of Isabelle Adjani in POSSESSION, but it is a committed portrayal that veers between focused, brutal, cunning and sheer, helpless terror. Sandy has been violated, forced to be a vessel for this unnatural alien life, and as such is torn between an animalistic and bloodthirsty need to protect herself and her babies from her fellow crew members, and abject horror at the actions she is perpetrating in the name of it. One moment, she is attacking a fellow crew member in a bathroom with a pair of scissors in an absolutely vicious altercation, and then wailing in pain, despair, and confusion as she grapples to comprehend what is happening to her, struggling to hold on to the last vestiges of her humanity. Am I overselling this performance? Maybe. But, it was unhinged, unsettling, and damn I loved it. It’s impossible to deny that Geeson gave it everything she had.

*She’s got a bun in the oven and it ain’t human.* A scene from INSEMINOID.

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:

There is an inherent obstacle in not being first out of the gate and riding in the wake of an absolute juggernaut; your audience is forced to compare, and nine times out of ten, it's not going to go in your favor. And though INSEMINOID is better than it has any right to be (due in no small part to Geeson), it never had an alien-inception-tube’s chance in hell to be anywhere on the same level as ALIEN. But, that’s okay. ALIEN was a landmark, a once-in-a-lifetime benchmark in cinema history, and nobody could possibly beat those odds. Though INSEMINOID struggles with first act issues, once it busts out and focuses on Sandy, it turns into a wild, enjoyable, B-horror blast. Other schlock-n-shock directors have tried execute the ALIEN formula in various permutations: Roger Corman went for exploitative with FORBIDDEN WORLD and philosophical with GALAXY OF TERROR, but Warren mostly divests those frivolities and pares down the second act to Sandy’s reign of terror. It’s a smart move, because INSEMINOID is really Sandy’s movie.

I still don’t get babies, and hey, I realize there probably isn’t anything to get. But, when those two Brundle-looking bundle of alien twins went from being held and lovingly cooed at by one of the female crewmembers, to absolutely feasting on her neck the next moment, I did feel like I was just a little bit closer to understanding them.

Blood and guts galore in Norman J. Warren’s INSEMINOID.

THE GORY DETAILS:

The script was written in four days because director Norman J. Warren had financial backers and no screenplay. The film was shot in four weeks.

The bulk of the movie was filmed in The Chiselhurst Caves to enhance the production value, but resetting lights and moving cameras around the natural rock formations proved to be problematic and time consuming.

The Hong Kong Shaw Brothers agreed to provide half of the proposed £1 million budget and became partners in the production, with elder brother Run Run Shaw credited in the opening titles as the film's presenter (how cool is that name, btw?)

Norman J. Warren said the rumor of a sequel is totally untrue. There was never any intention of making a sequel and there never will be. According to him, the copyright situation is a nightmare and it would cost an arm and a leg to get it all sorted.