A Big F.U. To "FINAL EXAM" (1981)
Hello Fiends, we are bringing you a brand new contributor to feast on…we mean…to read his work. Nick Bankhead has joined our team and here is his first piece. Expect more from Nick and all the 80’s Horror Films you can stand.
"Hello. My name is Nick and I love old, campy, sometimes forgotten slasher movies."
"Hi. Nick."
This is just an intro story - not really about me, per se - but a story about shame. Cinematic shame to be more forward. I wanted to tell you about the worst slasher movie I have seen to date. And I pinky swear, I've seen a lot. Before I dive into this "movie," I'll start by sharing. I co-host a podcast that dedicates its spirit to these ol' movies. And before you start bashing me on TikTok or whatever social channel the kids are into nowadays - let me exclaim, "I love bad horror movies. I love campy. Silly. Stupid (this would be a good place to put "etc."). But this film missed everything. It missed speaking to true horror/slasher fans. Didn't even speak a word to those who love mysteries. Left the "I'm curious about Slasher/Horror" movie goers on "read." This film pisses me off. That said, it's still better than that Adam Sandler pile of spit - Hubey Halloween.
Let's dive in, shall we...
The movie is Final Exam. 1981. 1 hour and 31 minutes. This is how IMDB explains it...
"A psycho killer shows up on college campus to slash up pretty co-eds and dumb jocks." Directed by - ya' know what, Google it.
They don't deserve the credit.
Short synopsis on why I'm not a fan...
The killer. No backstory. Nothing. Not even a f#cking mask. Who in the hell is this guy? He's just credited as " The Killer." Dude. I can forgive the latter - but the backstory is what builds the development. The why. The "Oh, now I see why they want to bash perverted teenagers' heads in with a machete. Now it all makes sense."
In Final Exam, two characters even talk about a girl who committed suicide because a sorority turned her away.
Well, there ya' go.
"I'm the father of the girl who committed suicide and I'm here to kill all students, dammit." Perfect. It works.
Another reason this movies sucks Michael's coin purse, the first kill doesn't happen until 45 minutes in. Arrrgh! So we have to wait almost an hour, while suffering through early 80's Oscar-worthy acting just to get to some kind of gore. And the gore sucks. Okay. I know I sound bitter and pissy, but I speak the truth - well, if the truth were my opinion. The only good thing that came out of this movie - the killer drove a rad van. See, I can find the good. Though barely on this film reel.
Till Next Time!
