We Watched Every HALLOWEEN Film So You Don't Have To

This Article was originally posted on itsdemboys.com. It has been mirrored here with consent from the owner.

This is apparently the year I lost my mind and decided it was a good idea to rank and review the entire Halloween series of films, AND put my opinions on the internet for the world to see. If you think Zach’s rankings for all the Friday the 13th Movies were controversial, these are gonna make you want to punch me through the world wide web. While I know that there are definitely going to be some controversial placements on this list, I ask that you remember these are merely my opinions. Just because I think the Thorn Cult is trash doesn’t mean you can’t adore that storyline. Speaking of the Thorn Cult...

Incredible fan art by ChrisButlerDesigns over on Etsy - go support a rad artist!

11. HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1989)

Mute kids are always a great plot point - just ask the 1989 classic The Wizard. In all seriousness, this movie hurts bad. Not because of what it is, but the promise of what could have been. While there are quite a few questionable choices in this movie that I’ll get into in a moment, the biggest mistake they made is not letting Michael stay dead...again. I know, I know, it’s stupid of me to think that Michael could somehow survive being burned alive at the end of part 2 but not a literal firing squad at the end of part 4...but I really just wanted them to follow through with the setup at the end of the previous movie. I mean, how great would it have been if Jamie actually became a killer, following in her uncle’s footsteps? Instead, we find out that not only did Michael manage to escape death (again), but that he and his niece share a freakin’ MIND LINK and that’s the reason she ended up murdering her foster mother. Maybe audiences just weren’t ready for a female killer in the late 80’s, but then again, Sleepaway Camp had been going strong for quite some time at this point so I call B.S. I tend to stay away from this one unless I’m marathoning the complete series in order, and I recommend you do the same.

10. HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995)

The only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason this movie isn’t dead last is because it stars Paul Rudd in his first leading role. This was the end of the “thorn cult” storyline, and quite honestly I’m grateful for it. For those of you not in the loop, movies 4-6 introduced the idea that Michael Myers derived all his powers and invincibility due to “The Curse of Thorn” placed on him by - you guessed it - the Thorn Cult. The biggest gripe I have with this idea is that it tries to explain away too much of the Michael Myers mythos. It turns him from a mysteriously powerful, undefeatable figure, into a mind controlled droid. I’m not one of these fans who thinks that explanation is bad, mind you. We’ll get into it later on, but I actually quite liked what Rob Zombie did with showing off Michael’s terrible home life in his remake. Part six really just takes the whole premise of Michael being a motivated killer, throws that out the window and blames it all on some cult or whatever. Maybe if this idea had been hinted at in the first movie and then followed through in the second, I could forgive the idea and may have actually kinda liked it. But at this point in the series, it just felt like another half cocked idea to explain away that Michael somehow manages to come back again and again.

You can pick up this piece by Bill Sienkiewicz for the low, low price of $10,000 (yes, really).

9. HALLOWEEN (2018)

I imagine I’m going to get a lot of shit for putting this most recent entry so low, but if this list is gonna stand the test of time, I gotta be true to who I am, baby. Unfortunately I really didn’t care for this movie when I saw it last year, and upon a recent reassessment, my thoughts didn’t change much. Before I go any further, I am going to warn you that I’m about to go into detail here, so if you haven't seen the film yet consider skipping down to the next film on this list.

SPOILERS AHEAD

Right off the bat, I didn’t know how to feel about this movie. I thought it was a bit of a mixed bag, liking certain aspects such as the scene where Myers escapes from the bus, and the notorious gas station bathroom scene. These felt not only like classic Halloween bits, but the best versions of them. There were other aspects that I personally didn’t care for but respected, such as the true crime podcasters. While it was a clever way to start our story off and reintroduce us to our main characters, they just felt a bit too forced and I was genuinely happy to see them killed off.

The absolute biggest party foul this film committed however, is what caused me to check out completely. About halfway through the movie, they completely blow the character of Dr. Sartain. I was genuinely enjoying his presence throughout the film, and I felt like the actor was acting as a great stand in for the Dr. Loomis character. I even went along with the idea that he was one of Loomis’ students and took over his responsibilities when he passed away. About halfway through the movie, Sartain decides that he’s going to 1. Kill a cop, 2. Release Michael so he can go hunt down Laurie, and 3. Put on Michael’s goddamn mask so he can “feel his power”. Oh great, the doctor who’s been watching after Myers for 40 years is actually insane himself.

The only upside to this movie is that we found out a few months ago that there are two more planned sequels, which means two more chances to flesh out the story and potentially change my mind. I don’t normally like when it takes multiple films to tell a complete story, but in this case I’m willing to give it a shot. Come see me in 2021 when I’m able to look at this series within a series as a whole.

8. HALLOWEEN H20 (1998)

Misleading title. At NO point does Michael kill in or with water. What a bummer.

H20 is, for a lot of fans, a return to form for a series that really deviated from the original vision. I mean if I had been watching the series play out on the big screen since day one, I probably would’ve thought this film was incredible too after sitting through 5 & 6. But watching it on it’s own merits, 20 years after its initial release kind of puts everything into perspective. While this is a totally fine entry in the series, it definitely suffers from the “post-Scream” effect. The movie was based off of a story by Kevin Williamson, the writer of Scream, so this makes sense. The idea with this one is that 4, 5 & 6 went over so poorly, this film was essentially hitting the reset button and acting as a direct sequel to Halloween 2 (this series really loves hitting that reset button). Not a terrible idea by any stretch of the imagination, and honestly an incredibly innovative approach for 1998. Story wise, there are some ideas that I just don’t get down with, such as Laurie having faked her own death, and for whatever reason the whole boarding school idea just doesn’t sit well with me. Then, there is the separate issue of the ever changing Myers mask. However, this is still a lot of good in this movie, mainly LL Cool J. I’m an absolute sucker for a rapper starring in a horror film, which brings me to...

7. HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (2002)

TRICK OR TREAT, MOTHER FUCKA!

Busta Rhymes karate kicks Michael Myers out a window, and you tell me there are detractors of this film? Listen, I totally get it. Many people just wouldn’t understand this film in the same way that there are people who don’t appreciate the high arts or fine wines. I’m not about to turn my nose up on people who think that Resurrection is an unnecessary sequel. No, I will ask however, that you simply hear me out on this one. I will agree that the beginning of the film absolutely trashes Laurie’s character development by taking a strong female lead and relegating her to an insane asylum. I’m also not crazy about the way they retcon Michael’s death at the end of H20. These are really lazy ways to bring the character back yet again. I agree with you. But if we look at everything else in this movie, I really genuinely think that the idea was way ahead of its time. I mean an exclusively online reality show a la Big Brother, where you the viewer get to choose which live webcams to click on and watch? Let’s remember that this was 2002, guys. Webcams and live streaming weren’t really even a thing yet. There was no Twitch, no Facebook live...hell, Youtube was still four years away. I understand that this movie has some cheesy dialogue and some cringe worthy moments, but I personally think that just adds to the fun atmosphere in this film. In conclusion: I understand that for many, this one is a hard watch, but I think if you down a few drinks and round up some friends, it's definitely a fun time. I mean, where else do you get to see Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes act alongside each other?

Say what you want about the actual movie, but this poster is incredible.

6. ROB ZOMBIE’S HALLOWEEN 2 (2009)

Again, for many, another controversial film. This movie had a lot working against it from the very beginning. The first of which was that it was a Rob Zombie movie. While I happen to be a fan of ‘ol Bobert, I am well aware that his style is a bit of an acquired taste. He loves to show absolute depravity in his films, and this one is no exception to that. We follow Laurie in this follow up, who is really suffering terribly from PTSD from the events of Halloween a year prior. We also learn that Dr. Loomis has effectively sold out, deciding to cash in on the trauma and write best-selling books about the events that occurred. Michael manages to escape from an ambulance and is living as a drifter before he again begins killing and hunting down his sister Laurie, aka Angel Myers. This movie is really a trip, and they play with the idea of hallucinations and dream states to make the audience question if what they’re seeing is real or not.

I’ll be honest and admit that when I first saw this movie, I absolutely loathed it. I couldn’t understand how they made the jump from the remake to whatever this was. But like any good movie, after my viewing experience was over I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I didn’t think I liked the movie, but I just felt like I needed to see it again. Like maybe there was something I had missed. That’s exactly how I feel about this movie to this very day. There is just something so intriguing about it, where it always pulls me back in, and I feel like I get something new out of it with each additional viewing. I feel like I understand the world and the characters more every time I watch it. It’s as if the film is one big jigsaw puzzle and I’m able to put new pieces together by the end of each watch. While I certainly don’t think this is the best film in the series, I do think that it’s the most daring. Rob Zombie took a risk and followed his vision, and I personally believe that gamble paid off.

5. ROB ZOMBIE’S HALLOWEEN (2007)

As I said before, I like Rob Zombie. Sue me. Again, I can understand if people don’t get down with his work (especially the new stuff - 31 is indefensible imo) but you can’t deny that he goes for it. I think the biggest issue that many have with this movie is that half of it is new, and half of it you saw back in 1978. The beginning of the film, aka the “new” half, really decides to flesh out the character of Michael as a child. We see the infamous crime on Halloween night - though in this version, Zombie cranks it up to 11 and has him murder his whole family, not just his sister. A lot of fans take issue with how RZ “explains away” the mysteriousness of the character. In the original film, he’s just a killing machine for no real reason, but in this remake a lot of the complaints I hear is that they try to give Michael a reason & motivation for killing. If you’re not paying attention, then I can see how you’d come to that conclusion. Michael lives in a house of repugnant people, with a sister and step-dad void of any human decency. When Michael kills them, they deserve it for sure, but they didn’t “make the monster” as it were. We see that Michael has a penchant for killing animals, and a bit later on ends up murdering a school bully. We then follow him post arrest to the Sanitarium where Dr. Loomis works with him for years before coming to the conclusion that he is in fact just a lost cause. I personally feel that while the childhood portion of the movie does happen to add quite a bit to the runtime and isn’t all necessary, it certainly doesn’t detract from the ominous nature of the character. That’s helped by the fact that adult Michael is played by the hulking professional wrestler, Tyler Mane. Again, a lot of fans didn’t like that he was so massive in this movie, but I thought it added to the menacing nature of this version of the character. The Rob Zombie remake series was certainly an odd time for the franchise, but if you look at these remakes in comparison to some of the others remakes we were getting at the time (specifically A Nightmare on Elm Street) these were among the best of them.

4. HALLOWEEN 3 (1982)

Ah yes, the black sheep of the series. This one is a weird one for me, because from a young age I was always told how bad it was. So imagine my shock when I finally got to this entry in the series and I ~*liked*~ what I had seen. Of course I was surprised when the credits started rolling and I still hadn’t seen Michael Myers or Laurie Strode, but I kinda didn’t care? I was confused as to how this could be called a “Halloween” movie without those main characters in it, so naturally I went to good ‘ol Google to find out. Little did I know that John Carpenter had originally planned for the Halloween movies to function as an anthology series centered around different scary stories set on Halloween night. Once I found that out, it re-contextualized the whole film for me, and suddenly it made a whole lot more sense...if only the 1982 audience had been clued in to this maybe the film wouldn’t have bombed.

This movie is really iconic in so many ways, from the three different masks made for the film, to those iconic shots of kid’s heads melting into a pile of bugs and snakes, and who could forget Tom Atkins & his godly mustache? Really can’t recommend this one enough, even if it doesn’t have the making of a classic ‘Halloween’ movie.

P.S. God help you if you get that goddamn Silver Shamrock song stuck in your head because it never goes away. It’s been on a constant loop in my head for the last twelve years with no sign of it going away anytime soon.

3. HALLOWEEN 2 (1981)

Now THIS is how you do a sequel! I really wish Hollywood would start taking notes, because Halloween 2 is basically a perfect follow up. It takes what worked from the original, fixes what needed to be fixed, and ups the stakes in every regard. I really love what they did here, deciding to have this movie take place on the same night as the original. It was a really great call during a time when slasher movie timelines were consistently being jacked up and disregarded.

This movie really swings for the fences, and most of the time, what we get ends up being a home run. The setting of the hospital was an absolutely fantastic choice and perfect change of scenery. The dark and claustrophobic hallways of Haddonfield Memorial offer some incredibly tense moments and set us up with some really grisly kills (the hot tub scene anyone?). The chemistry between Dr. Loomis and Laurie here is top notch as well. We really get to see their relationship evolve, and see them interact in a way we hadn’t in the original film. This is also the movie where we find out that Laurie is actually Michael’s sister - a much maligned twist these days that I actually think was pretty brilliant motivation for all of the killings. I mean Michael kills his sister in the original, it only makes sense that he would want to kill off any remaining familial ties he might have. All in all, I think the show is more than worth the cost of admission here, especially for the explosive ending ;).

As far as posters go, it doesn’t get much better than this.

2. HALLOWEEN (1978)

The one that started it all, an absolute classic in every sense of the word. This movie deserves all of the praise it receives, and then some. Not only was it one of the first widely accepted slashers, Halloween was using cutting edge filmmaking techniques that are still used to this very day. I’ve heard some people describe this movie as boring, but there’s a difference between boring and slow burn, and baby, this is a slow burn if there ever was one. While it might not move at the most brisk pace in the beginning, it sure makes up for it once the death toll starts climbing. We’re treated to incredibly iconic kills, such as the infamous telephone strangling. I mean, a killer in a mask who then puts on ANOTHER disguise to kill an unsuspecting PJ Soles? Eat your little Inception heart out, Chris Nolan.

Jamie Lee Curtis is our leading woman - or final girl, if you will - and she’s fantastic. She really plays the girl next door so well, and you definitely buy that she’s the most innocent person in her friend group. Laurie is so pure of heart, you really find yourself rooting for her the whole time, hoping she ends up safe and sound. While we’re on the subject of characters, can we all admit that the real star of the show is Donald Pleasence as Dr. Loomis? Michael’s psychiatrist and de facto caretaker. In essence, Loomis is the ONLY person actively trying to warn others about Myers and the poor guy always seems to fall on deaf ears. If there’s one thing that I love more than this movie, it’s this character IN this movie. He tries so hard, and you just wanna give him a pat on the back and tell him he’s doing a good job.

To summarize: Halloween is considered a classic for a reason. It’s okay if you don’t get a chance to watch the whole series every year, but I do personally think that this should be required Halloween viewing.

Some more really sweet artwork by ChrisButlerDesigns

1. HALLOWEEN 4 (1988)

Yeah, I know what you’re all thinking, but before you crucify me, give me a chance to explain myself. The original Halloween is wonderful - truly a landmark of American cinema. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers isn’t, and I think that’s precisely why I love it so much. Halloween 4 is a somewhat cheesy, really fun late 80’s slasher that knows exactly what it is. It’s not trying to be art, it’s just trying to be the best return to form it could be for a series that at this point had remained dormant for six years. The original Halloween was groundbreaking because it kicked off the entire slasher sub-genre, but it’s held back slightly due to the fact that it was the first. Halloween 4 on the other hand was released towards the end of the slasher craze, and had the benefit of a reliable formula to fall back on at this point. It’s polished in a way that the original wasn’t, which allows for the viewer to have so much more fun while watching it.

You’re probably still not sold, and that’s understandable, so let me try to expand upon what makes this movie so special. Right off the bat, let’s talk opening credits. Forget the fact that Michael Myers is coming back, the opening credits alone sell the Halloween atmosphere better in 2 minutes than any other film in the franchise. If you don’t believe me, just watch for yourself and tell you can’t smell dead leaves and apple pies.