OP-ED: If Good Burger Were a Slasher Movie
The title got you, huh? Yeah. This is gonna be fun. But first and foremost - you have to be somewhat knowledgeable of the 1997 classic Good Burger.
But first, my apologies. For the 2-3 readers (though those numbers might be over-exaggerating) who look forward to my rants about slashers movies and other stuff – I want to apologize. I’ve been out of the mix for a spell. See, I’m an advertising writer by trade and until recently, I was a freelance ad writer – now, I’m gainfully employed by an agency and I had to get what they call “onboarded” to the ways of the agency. Much like those who had to get onboarded in Jonestown, Guyanan under the supervision of manager Jim Jones. Long story, short - I’m stoked to be working at a rad, creative agency though I’m going to have to learn to make time for Macabre Daily (Place Heart Emoji Here) and the fun I have writing these silly articles.
Now…let’s get back to Good Burger.
Did you see Good Burger? Keenan and Kel? Shaq? Carmen Electra? Abe Vigoda? No?
Well, it was for sure a cinematic treasure – let’s hear what the interns at IMDB have to say
about it…
“A dim-witted teenager and his new coworker try to save the old burger joint they work for from failing after the opening of a brand new burger restaurant across the street, which's planning to put them out of business.”
Yeah. That’s it.
BUT….
What if it were a slasher movie. Please. Hear me out. My one-pager for BLOOD BURGER.
Driving his mom’s car he took without permission, we meat…er…meet Dexter (played by Jayden Smith). He winds up hitting his teacher’s car by accident (teacher played by Adam Sandler). To make amends (and not have his mom find out), Keenan has to get a job to pay for his teacher’s car repairs. So he gets a job through Ed, a friend who works at a local fast food joint. Ed is dumb, silly, and maybe..psychotic (played by Ed Sheeran).
Dexter and Ed work at a burger joint called Blue’s Burger. But everyone calls it Blood Burger because the burgers are really gnarly - but they’re cheap…so whatever. Heck, even the manager (played by Rebel Wilson) calls the place Blood Burger.
Unfortunately, there’s a new burger joint opening across the street. An establishment that promises to put all other burger joints out of business. This fast food burger palace will be called BROseph’s Burgers and it will be run by a total dickbag named Kurt (played by Machine Gun Kelly).
Well, Kurt is up to no good - and he personally wants to destroy Blue’s Burger. And guess who’s gonna help him…fucking Dexter. You see, Dexter and Ed got into a fight because Dexter realized that Ed was the reason he wrecked his mom's car into his teacher’s automobile - so he hightailed it out of Blue’s Burger to get a job at the soon-to-be-opening BROseph’s Burger.
And Ed wasn’t happy…not happy at all…
Ed thought he had a new friend in Dexter - and when he leaves to join the team at BROseph’s - he starts to lose his mind…minute by minute, piece by piece.
“How can I get Dexter back?” Ed thinks daily as he works in the kitchen - stirring outdated secret sauce and flipping Grade D burgers on a corrosive grill. As he mops the floor in the urine and feces-infested men’s room, he gets an idea. “I need to make Blue’s Burger more appealing to Dexter. That will make him come back. I’ll make this the coolest burger joint in the valley” he thinks. But how will he do this? Easy. A new secret sauce. A new recipe that will drive all the customers wild - making Blue’s Burger the place to be. The hangout. Dexter for sure will want to work at the cool place - not at some overpriced shit burger show like BROseph’s.
Let the recipe begin…
Ed isn’t a chef. What’s gonna make this secret sauce stand out? He’s in the kitchen pondering his dilemma when a gorgeous woman walks in Blue’s Burger (woman played by Amanda Bynes). She’s not hungry, but she needs to pee. So as Ed shows her where the bathroom is - he gets an idea. As the bathroom door closes, he runs to the kitchen to grab a meat tenderizer and jets back to the women’s restroom - he quietly enters and waits for the woman to exit the stall. And when she does, “BLAMMO!” on her head. Blood spatters the bathroom walls and Ed carts her off to the back of the kitchen where he hangs her upside down to drain her blood. The secret sauce now has its secret ingredient.
So that’s the gist, really. Ed has to kill folks to make his secret sauce. He kills customers, delivery people, Q anon weirdo’s (they come in to protest because they think blue’s Burger has a murder room in the back of the kitchen…guess what — they’re right). Ed even gets to kill that fucknut, Kurt, from BROseph’s. He also kills some teenagers who are wearing Vans and Thrasher gear while riding scooters in the parking lot. It’s a bloodtacular scene.
The ending? Ed and Dexter fall in love. Marry and raise Corgis in a small town in Vermont.
So. What do you think? Seriously. If you read this - let Macabre daily now in their comments. I think it would be a fun fan trailer to make.
Tagline: It’s All That - but Bloodier.
Talk soon, MD fam. (Now go follow SashU_Podcast on Instagram).
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